I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
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Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
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Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?