I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.