My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
