im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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