I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
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We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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