And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
