No awkward lesbian experiences without me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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