Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
