Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
