I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i barfeds in our rink
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
