note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
