In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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