Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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