I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
