I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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