I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
