Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
