theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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