Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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