i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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