proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
