wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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