i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
