I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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