I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
