At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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