I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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