i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
