hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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