i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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