I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
