Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
