Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
