I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What a dumb baby whore.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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