I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
