and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
