my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
