my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize