I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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