Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
