Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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