i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
