The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
