Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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