Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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