i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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