The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
