i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
