Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
