Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
