I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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