I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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