apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
