Screwed.edu
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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