i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
