Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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