The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
