drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
